Wait a minute. You're not the REAL Colonel Sanders!

How could you go to Kentucky and not at least have ONE piece of fried chicken just for kicks? When all you can find is a shitty food court KFC that only has an express menu, that's how.

from Austin Keenan presents: "No, you're not."

You are not interesting, LAC studies

I rest my case.

from Austin Keenan presents: "No, you're not."

You're not my friend on Pandora Radio, but you damn well should be.

If you think you're too good for my QuickMix, you've got another thing coming.  I actually have an emotional relationship with my Pandora Radio, as in every time I use it I become elated at how awesome my musical tastes are.  You will definitely agree.

There's too many stations in too many genres for me to list them here, but seriously, let's connect and share shit.  I might have the best taste in music in the entire world, but I certainly don't remember everything I should have on here.

from Austin Keenan presents: "No, you're not."

You're not in control fo Catan Island. I am!

I got ya bricks. I got ya wood. I got ya ore. I got the longest road. I got the cities. You got tears in your eyes.

I tried to play nice, but when you all refused to trade me wood, I had to break out the Monopoly card and take it from you all.

Okay, i'm done. If any of you guys out there play this game, let's rock! This was my first experience with The Settlers of Catan and it was quite fun, indeed.

from Austin Keenan presents: "No, you're not."

There's nothing charming about the way John Mayer behaves.

Before I say anything, I want to share with you a quote I got from Gawker this morning:

"I am the new generation of masturbator," says John Mayer in Rolling Stone, for which he posed shirtless.  "I've seen it all. Before I make coffee, I've seen more butt holes than a proctologist does in a week... I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life. The phone doesn't pick up because I'm masturbating. I have excused myself at the oddest times so as to not make mistakes. If Tiger Woods only knew when to jerk off." That last part is pretty astute. On breaking up with Jennifer Aniston: "I've never really gotten over it. It was one of the worst times of my life." - John Mayer

This is a guy who gets drunk in public and goes on rants about politics as if he was a founding father.  This is a guy who tweets about Jennifer Aniston to the point where she had to break up with him, and then he would like us to believe it's as if he's the one who's being victimized.  Now, finally, this is a guy who goes to Rolling Stone and creepily details how much masturbating he needs to do in order to get through the day.

I don't think you can even make fun of this guy.  He has humiliated himself to the point of no return.  Oh, and for all of you out there that think his music is his saving grace, get real.  He sounds like he's high as shit all the time, and sucks on guitar.  Rock is dead.  Fuck John Mayer and his stupidity.  Gross.

(pic via TenGossip.com)

from Austin Keenan presents: "No, you're not."

You're not allowed to show people your pictures from Disneyland anymore.

...especially if they look like this!  Look at the young one in the middle.  It looks like someone "Mickeyed her mouse" if you get my drift.  Papa-bear looks like a downright sex offender, and mom has probably got enough Pixie Dust in her to take out Dumbo.

But seriously, folks, Disney is now saying they have a right to go after people who post pictures of their vacations to Disneyland.  There's protection of intellectual property and then there's just plain being mean.  What would be better than saying you treat everything on a "case by case" basis is letting people know when they get to Disneyland that they need to look like they're having an ecstasy high the whole time, or else Disney will be forced to "protect" its intellectual property as well as their public image.

If Disney wanted to protect its public image, it'd put an end to animators putting subliminal sexual references into just about every animated Disney movie ever.  Then they might want to publicly address the allegations that Walt was a fierce anti-semite and stop suing people that have already given them money for vacation time.

Things you are not: in Disneyland on vacation, putting pictures of Epcot Center on Facebook, seriously wearing Mickey's face on your breasts (?)

from Austin Keenan presents: "No, you're not."

You're not going to be having any other conversations other than Lost for a long time.

Final Season Of 'Lost' Promises To Make Fans More Annoying Than Ever

To be fair, I don't have any disdain for this show.  In fact, I've only watched two complete episodes (the very first one and last season's finale), so it would be hard for me to make a judgement.  I've watched some bits and pieces of the show on ABC.com, but the show just never hooked me like it has some of my friends.

The funny thing about this video from The Onion is that people who watch Lost probably don't realize that this is what it's like for the rest of us.  Even if you know the entire story start to finish from listening to your friends babblng on and on about it, there's still this uncomprehendable disconnection between those who have watched the show obsessively, and those who are more casual about it.

One of my Lost loving friends told me that you "cannot appreciate the show if you haven't watched the whole thing."  I tend to disagree.  I think the story is cool, and I've even picked out which characters I like more than others.  Another friend told me that people get aggressive when it comes to Lost, which is something I cannot understand at all.  Is the show amd the time you spent watching it worth any less because there are people who can talk moderately about the show without being "sucked in"?

I'm sure a lot of you out there love this show, and I'm happy for you.  I just hope that you don't gnash your teeth every time someone says that it's just "okay" instead of "OMG PHENOMENAL I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT JUST HAPPENED".  Leave any comments you want, but let's keep it civil, folks.

from Austin Keenan presents: "No, you're not."

You didn't help Robert Downey Jr. win his Golden Globe. He helped you.

This speech is the greatest thing I've ever seen.  Forget about everyone patting each other on the back in Hollywood.  When it comes to the international stage of self-congratulation, Robert Downey Jr. bears his cynical teeth and lets everyone have it.

The best part of this whole thing is his flawless delivery.  Without so much as even batting an eye, RDJ criticizes the whole industry for the self-serving practice of award shows, and how full of shit they are.

Keep at it, RDJ.  You've never let us down before, and you don't seem to be showing any signs of starting new bad habits.  Bravo.

from Austin Keenan presents: "No, you're not."

Jennifer Love Hewitt's chrystal encrusted clam is not sexy.

She's a beautiful girl, but let's be serious.  This "vagazzling" thing is really a bit much, even for a girl who has dated as many guys as she has. 

"It looks like a disco ball down there." 

Really.  And somehow you think this is cute and/or sexy?  The last thing any guy wants to think about is making it with a hot chick only to be confronted with a diamond chainsaw grinding up their "precious little gentleman".

How have you not opened yourself up for "annoying" attention while talking about how crusty your vagina is?  Oh, I'm sorry, "encrusted".  Like there's a difference.  If you need to smash rocks into your lady bits to get some kind of sensation, you probably have ruined yourself already.

As a disclaimer, I want to make it perfectly clear that this type of conversation is a blatant attempt at resurrecting a dying career.  Whether or not JLH has some kind of sexual disorder is not for me to assume.

Things you are not: sexy, cute, innocent, discreet

from Austin Keenan presents: "No, you're not."

No matter how many times you say it, you're not very clear, Barack Obama.

I'm having a hard time understanding why The Washington Post decided it was of the utmost importance that we detail the fact that Barack Obama says, "Let me be clear," alot.  But, you know what?  It provides me with the perfect opportunity to contradict the president that I voted for who is blew it in the worst way possible this year.

Don't get me wrong.  I like the guy.  I voted for him.  But what in the hope/change/progress/bullshit was going on in 2009?  What actually got accomplished?  You can't say health care reform, because that's still a damn mess.  You can't really say creating jobs because the national rate is still double digits and the economy is still bleeding jobs.  You can't say Gitmo got closed because it just didn't.  You can't say troops are out of Iraq.  You can't say that Afghanistan is under control.  You can't say that Pakistan is under control.  You can't say that Iran is under control.  You can't say that North Korea is under control.  So, what can you say?

You can stand up and look yourself in the mirror and think of yourself as John F. Kennedy.  You can stand up in front of the entire country and talk some more about good intentions and united countries and bipartisan solutions, and you can punctuate it with, "Let me be clear."  But, seriously, Barack Obama, this is some boowooowoowooll-shit.  You pussied out of everything that got you elected.  You've got 3 more years to prove you're not a total waste, and then you're getting ousted by the first guy that comes along whether he's worthwhile or not.  Thanks for the ride.

Things you are not: JFK, clear at all, living up to promises, getting re-elected

from Austin Keenan presents: "No, you're not."

You're not going to believe this situation in Haiti. Please help!

This isn't a post with the usual venomous commentary.  As long as this horrifying incident still has everyone's attention, I just wanted to draw some eyeballs to a situation that has left the Haitian government all but shut down, left possibly hundreds of thousands dead (including many children caught inside of collapsed school building) and has received little coverage from American media because of the lack of information.

As things are looking grimmer and grimmer, many organizations are mobilizing to collect donations to help the country out.  If you're so inclined, please take a minute to view this blog post and pick out an organization to donate to.  This tragedy will fade from memory quicker than we can do anything to help the people of Haiti recover, so do what you can now.

(image via New York Times)

from Austin Keenan presents: "No, you're not."

You're not really leaving American Idol after this season, Simon Cowell.

You and I both know this is a bit of a game with you, don't we, Simon?  You would have the screaming, crying, unnecessarily-obsessive tweeny masses that constitutes the vast majority of American Idol's audience believe that this is really emotional for you, and after coming so far, the time has finally come to release your icy grip on American television and move on.

Well, with the news that you're going to be doing the American version of X-Factor instead, I must politely call BULLSHIT on this whole thing.  What is X-Factor, if not basically the same thing as American Idol?  Okay, sure.  There's different talents allowed in the competition outside of singing.  And there's certainly not a lot of people performing on Idol with a full erection (that I remember, anyway).  But, really, Simon?  Why not just alter Idol to be the same unruly schmuckfest that XXX-Factor already is?

Now, I know that this post is coming a bit late on the news of this silliness.  And, as a disclaimer, I have been a fan of American Idol for many years now (don't ask me why).  But this is still bullshit.  It's not emotional, Cowell.  You've been dying to get away from that lunatic Paula Abdul for years, and, let's face it, Kara Diaguardi is not all that much better.  You're as sick of that "dog pound" bullshit as the rest of us are.

It's not time to move on to anything besides a fatter paycheck and hopefully some well-behaved cohosts.  You, and I, and anyone with half a brain, knows that.  But we need nasty Britons like you to make hopeless bloggers like me laugh a lot and feel justified about hating on everything.

Things you are not: leaving American Idol, emotional, going to miss Paula Abdul

(Pic from Deceiver.com)

from Austin Keenan presents: "No, you're not."

You're not seriously selling paper towels with holes in them, are you, LickieDickie?

Stop the presses!  What on Earth are you doing?!  This can't really be serious, can it?  I never would have found out about this "genius" product if it weren't for a certain user named LickieDickie following me on Twitter in true spam artist fashion.  I'm also having a hard time reconciling whether or not the decision to view their homepage was a mistake.

I mean look at this shit!  I can just see the business proposal meeting now:

Person 1:  So, what have you got for me?
Person 2:  I want to sell paper towels with a hole in it, made specifically for oral sex.
Person 1:  That seems perfectly reasonable.  I'm all in.
Person 2:  Very good.  We're in business!

Well, there it is, folks.  I don't really know how else to break this down for you, but if you've been having a really hard time with oral sex because it's so goddamn icky, go buy a Lickie Dickie. (I should get paid for slogans like that.)

(Image via Lickie Dickie)

from Austin Keenan presents: "No, you're not."

You're not done for the day just yet. Sarah Palin is joining Fox News.

Just when you thought the day was pretty much a wrap, this shit comes in.  The Moose Massacre Mama herself, Sarah Palin is set to take a job at Fox News sometime soon.  No word as of this post as to when and on what godforsaken program she'll be joining, but this all seems pretty official coming from AP.

The funny this is: this really isn't all that funny.  This is like the logical marriage of insanity that you would expect from someone like Palin, who has brazenly contradicted herself in public numerous times and is certainly not ashamed to hound for publicity at every chance she gets, even when her daughter bears an illegitimate child with a high school hookup who's now posing for Playboy.

What else would you expect from Palin?  Did you think she was going to join a news network that wasn't caught in countless instances of news coverage fraud?  Maybe a network that has fair and balanced coverage, instead of providing an extremely loud mouthpiece for the Republican party, marked by a history of sexual harassment and physical aggression in the workplace?

No, Palin is going right to where she belongs:  with all the screaming crazies that can't believe that the government would actually try to keep the rich from getting richer and provide fair treatment for all citizens regardless of race, creed, sexual preference, or ties to established piggy profit industries.

Things you are not: done with the day's news, surprised, partisan, engaged in this subject matter

from Austin Keenan presents: "No, you're not."

You're not less of a loser because you're having sex with a robot, rather than a balloon.

Seriously, what are you doing?  You've somehow engineered a lawn mower to give you a blowjob and somehow you think this is both safe and natural?  Blowup dolls are just bizarre and creepy on their own and here you go sticking it in C-3P0.

While sex is prevelant in every medium from video games to cartoons to mass media, I would have hoped that Batteries Not Included would have remained the title of a charming story involving an elderly couple and alien robot things, and NOT become a viable porno title.  At least keep it within the vibrator fetish category.  No one wants to see pathetic nerds trying to fuck Rosie from The Jetsons in the regular section.

Now you're going to see much more troubling sex scandals develop.  The next thing you know, Tiger Woods eill admit that he bought one.  Look, guys, if you think it's a good idea to keep sticking your dick in the toaster oven, go right ahead.  Otherwise, let's put down the cock-bot mentality.

from Austin Keenan presents: "No, you're not."

You're not the authority on Conan O'brien, Jerry Seinfeld.

I couldn't agree more with Jamer Hibberd in saying, "Shut up, Jerry Seinfeld."  You don't know what the fuck you're talking about.  Conan waited a good long time to have that show left to him, and now Leno's being douchey and indian giving to a guy who more than deserves it.

Jay Leno isn't funny.  He's also kind of annoying, which is the salt and pepper on the not-so-funny entree that is him.  Conan rules, and NBC is being dumb about this whole thing.  Leno should plain just get off the air and let Conan have his fun.  If I was him, I'd be ready to walk away from NBC, as well.  He'll do better in the same time slot on some other network than dealing with this horse shit.

You know who else isn't funny?  Jerry "fucking" Seinfeld.  I was so glad when that show got cancelled.  I had hoped for GOD I'd never have to deal with your weak sense of humor again, but then you go ahead making these gems with Bill "fucking" Gates.  Whose idea was it to do those awful things, you or Bill?  Both of you make me feel uncomfortable, and should really shut up.

Things you are not: on TV anymore, funny, an NBC insider, good at advertising

from Austin Keenan presents: "No, you're not."

Mark Zuckerberg, you're not really serious about Facebook's new privacy settings, are you?

Let me get this straight.  You're saying that Facebook's new privacy settings have to do with some kind of bullshit notion that privacy settings are based on "social norms", and by "today's standards" those norms would include putting all of your pictures and information out on search engines, available for the whole world to see whether or not you asked for it that way?

Wow, asshole.  There's calling bullshit, and then there's what I'm about to do to you.

You mean to tell me that attracting large amounts of traffic from search engines isn't your strategy for raising advertising prices?  Congratulations on finally posting a profit last year, but don't expect that you can just jack up the price on that type of commodity until you've recouped on the billions that have been dumped into your little, fickle, Twitter-imitating fratboy site.

You're full of shit, Zuckerberg.  None of this has to do with "norms" or whatever.  It has nothing to do with letting developers outside of Facebook get in on all the fun from outside the network.  It has to do with you being a shitty liar in public, just like that asshole from Google. It has to do with underhanded default settings that are a poor attempt at generating more revenue and piss off your users.  It's about marching about as if you're all innovative and shit when you're really just sneaky.  I hope Facebook falls nice and hard and you wind up homeless, you lying son of a bitch.

Things you are not: honest, innovative, adhering to "social norms"

from Austin Keenan presents: "No, you're not."

Whoa! You're not getting laid with a pickup line like that. Seriously.

Whoa! Talk about T-M-fucking-I!  This is the type of line that a bum might use when he's feeling lonely and realizes his only chance of getting laid is to find another nasty, smelly bum who doesn't care about poop on the playthings.  Imagine someone came up to you and said this.  I mean, where exactly does the conversation go from there?

Naturally, a lot of you are sitting there going "Oh, well I'd barf/slap them/walk away/call the police" but I think you're underestimating just how many people talk openly about shitting their pants on Twitter.  Is this some kind of new 'thing' I missed?  Is it like we're taking Billy Madison so seriously now that we have to go to the next level?

At any rate, stop shitting your pants, Twitter.  If you're still passing in your panties, you shouldn't be using the internet; you should be seeing a doctor.

from Austin Keenan presents: "No, you're not."

You're so totally not dead, fatboy Elvis. Happy 75th birthday!

You fat bastard.  Everyone knows you never died 75 years ago.  You just picked up your bulbous-ass, honky-tonk-ass, stealin'-music-from-black-people-ass suede shoes and headed into hiding.  But you didn't even do that right!  Mofos been seein' you all over America!  The King...has been BUSTED.

You would have been better off as Undead Presley.  You could have avoided all the screaming fans, because who wants to make out with a decomposing, super-gutted washup anyway?  But you still would have sold out venues, and that's really what counts.

All you Elvis fans, out there, sing along: ~You ain't nothin' but zombie...groanin' all the time.  You ain't nothin' but fat slob...pukin' all the time.  Well you ain't never gotten buried and you ain't foolin me this time.~

Things you are not: alive, dead, undead, skinny

from Austin Keenan presents: "No, you're not."

You're not sorry that Casey Johnson died, Tila Tequila, you scumbag.

You could give a shit about a girl who died from substance abuse that you publicly encouraged when her friends and family were trying to reach out to her before something like this happened.  The idea that you would show up to meet her family and then start shit over Twitter just shows what a dirt bag you've always been, using this whole catastophe to try and boost your fameball status.

I don't even have to make any cracks about your looks or your intelligence or your morality, because you've effectively turned yourself into such a self-parodying, ugly embarrassment professional that even Paris Hilton can't take you seriously. 

When you vomit to the paparazzi press such things as Casey's dogs being put "to sleep to bury with Casey" and then Twittering your promise to get back at Nicky and Paris for such a heinous act, you take all the work out of scorning you, because everyone's sitting here hating you without me having to do anything.

When you slather your ugly ass all over the internet to venerate yourself about how you knew something was wrong with "wifey", when it appears you only knew Casey Johnson for about a month before she died, you make it easy for people to judge you as not only an attention whore, but a dirty, disgusting, drug-using slut that has no place in the world other than the slimely underbelly of L.A.  Please stay there.

When you use a person's death as a means to get in front of a camera and bitch about the people who cared about her, and then try to assert to the internet, of all things, that you are experiencing some kind of sadness or loss or remorse, you have made it exceptionally easy for us all to collectively proclaim, "No, you're not."

Things you are not: attractive, sad, sorry, human

(pic via Gawker)

from Austin Keenan presents: "No, you're not."

If you watched Duck Tales as a kid, you never got over seeing this episode.

(7138 KB)
Watch on posterous

You're not over it.  You're in denial.  You liked Duck Tales so incredibly much that you blocked this out and let it happen.  You sat stuffing your face with Lucky Charms while the Beagle Boys used chloroform to subdue Webigail, then took her to a seedy attic apartment where they forced her to do porno (at this time in her life you can guess what kind) and ultimately probably gang raped her.  You sat there and yelled for mom to bring you some more apple juice.

You're not innocent.  Don't blame this on "the bystander effect".  This is 2010, motherfucker.  If you see something, say something!  You're just as guilty as those sick-minded Beagle Boys, and that downright pervert Uncle Scrooge (hi, Jimmy! j/k). 

Things you are not: innocent, experience bystander effect, 8 years old, getting anymore apple juice until dinner time

from Austin Keenan presents: "No, you're not."

You're not gunna like this, but Mininova is dead.

I know, I know.  We're all sad, Mr. Messy Hair Blubbering Boy.  For years, users from around the globe have come to rely on such sites as Mininova or The Pirate Bay for just about everything from music to movies to television.  Now those public trackers are going cold or legal or they're locking themselves into military style bullet proof bunkers to keep out the RIAA killjoys (click the link; that's not even a joke, people)

Seriously, dude, get over it.  File sharing has been the M-O of the internet since the inception of broadband, and for a good deal before that.  There will always be something else for old fashioned greedy businessmen to bitch about, so just focus on that.  Maybe get a Usenet account?  They've been successfully breaking the law a lot longer than any torrent site.

Not that I would EVER download something illegally, mind you.  I rather enjoy paying in excess of 20 dollars for CDs that feature lowest-common-denominator artists like Kings of Leon and Lady Gaga playing the same exact song 10 different ways (whatever happened to at least 15 tracks per album?).  I also enjoy paying 10 dollars + to go see a movie I'm fairly certain will be full of bad acting and a lot of special effects (god, movie makers are just SO CREATIVE these days).  My favorite, though, is paying a monthly service fee for what amounts to a VCR so I can watch wholesome entertainment like Jersey Shore or Jon and Kate Plus 8.  Long live shitty business models!

Let's all forget about developing value for the given purchase price and stick with the cheapest shittiest product we can come up with and charge more for it and shove more advertising into it.  That certainly seems like the answer to me.  Let's punish our audience by taking away delivery methods that they enjoy, and let's send them threatening letters saying they had better stop watching our movies, because that will certainly boost sales, won't it?

I knew you'd agree.

from Austin Keenan presents: "No, you're not."

This rabbit is NOT on coffee, and I will not try your illegal chocolate.

No way, Italian chocolate maker Zaini.  You're not getting away with saying this bunny is merely full of coffee and that's why he looks like someone just touched him inappropriately.  I can think about approximately 462 and 1/2 alternative substances that would elicit such a reaction from a rabbit, but let's keep it short and sweet.

1. LSD - Clearly the rabbit is frightened of some bizarre hallucination he's having.  He's probably looking at your "coffee beans" and thinks they're talking to him.  Or maybe he sees his future, which is being torn limb from limb and eaten alive on Easter Sunday, something he doesn't need LSD to be afraid of.

2. Cocaine - (See also: crack.)  (See also: methamphetamines.)   I've seen subway dwellers that look like this, and thankfully none of them were rabbits.  Then I'd have to question my own sanity.  Aren't rabbits bugged out enough without getting them hopped up?

3. Viagra - Maybe the bunny wasn't touched inappropriately, but instead wants to multiply in true stereotypical rabbit tradition.  He's been working very hard to control those urges, and you've just knocked him off his horse by endowing him with a rabbit rod that has 1,000 years of power.

4. Steroids - The rabbit has been injected with anabolic steroids, and is about to rage.  Forget the Monty Python rabbit.  He's about to buck out in the worst way possible, and with animal rights in mind, I hope he's looking at the photographer.

5. Marijuana - Obviously, this bunny just took a giant bunny bong rip and is trying his best to hold it in.  He's just trying to get his money's worth, and here you come along opportunisitcally making him look like a freak just so you can sell some chocolate.

If you're going to sell chocolate laced with drugs, at least keep the animals out of it.  I know you're up to something, just don't know what yet.  Leave a comment and let's see if we can get to the bottom of this clear cut abuse case.  God knows what other animals you've been mistreating.

(Photo via Dyvantity.com)

from Austin Keenan presents: "No, you're not."

Twitter is not over capacity, and this damn whale is not cute at all.

I hate the fail whale.  While everyone seems to be tweeting their little brains out and all I want to do is share a cool game I found on the internet with the rest of the internet, this bloated bastard shows up and ruins all the fun.

I don't buy it, whale.  You've got your scornful eyes closed because you can't look me in the face and tell me that Twitter is seriously overloaded.  They've been growing faster than Facebook for a while now, and they should already have the equipment and capacity to keep schmucks like you from taunting me at random intervals of meaningless significance.

The next time you try to lie to me and make me reload the fucking page, I'm going to go Capt. Motherfucking Ahab on your ass and sell your body parts to the cosmetics industry.  I don't care if it's not legal anymore.  I need to be compensated for such a grave inconvenience.

Things you are not: over capacity, cute, fooling me, legal for commercial use

from Austin Keenan presents: "No, you're not."

You will not be playing bingo tonight.

Your regular bartender is sick, and you do not know this man standing at the empty bar. You do not have any money, so you will not be drinking either.

Even if you were playing bingo, you definitely would not win. Typically you get four spaces in a row and sttare hopelessly at your card while every other number besides the one you need gets called. Then somebody else wins. Why even bother?

Come to think of it, why the hell are you out at this dive bar trying to play bingo in the first place? What are you? 80 years old? You can save me the story of how you like watching people rot and die before your very eyes and you're just trying to relax on Monday night. If you're determined to stick with that pathetic story I will simply reply, "No, you're not."

Things you are not: playing bingo, having a drink, relaxing on Monday night, 80 years old

from Austin Keenan presents: "No, you're not."

Your New Year's resolutions are the easiest "No, You're Not" post ever.

Well, internet, welcome to 2010 (which is pronounced "twenty ten" goddammit, I'm sick of the stupid argument, but I digress)!!  We all took some time off to not be with our families and not celebrate anything with our friends and now we have lots of stuff we're promising we're going to accomplish over the next year, right?

The idea of resolutions for the new year makes me laugh so hard I wind up shitting a pack of cigarettes into a fat person's mouth and setting it on fire.  So, in spirit of this futile practice of self-serving humanity, let's establish all the things you are NOT doing this year:

1. Quitting smoking - You and I both know that you won't really even "cut back".  You'll stop smoking for anywhere between a couple days or a couple months and you'll be begging your friends all over again.

2. Getting in shape - You're a natural born fat ass; get over it.  If you're living in America, you're SUPPOSED to have at least 30 extra pounds.  It's like a law or something.

3. Getting a better job/promotion - Bullshit.  You don't deserve a promotion because you don't and will not work hard enough for it.  You won't find a new better job because you're unqualified.  Get back in there and sell something.  You're behind your sales goal.

4. Going on vacation - You can't afford it.  Don't be stupid.  If you manage to figure out how to purchase a plane ticket, you will not eat for at least a month, or you will be evicted from your apartment.  Then you can take a sabbatical in a cardboard box.  Sounds fun!

5. Getting out of debt - Absolutely not.  If anything, you'll trick yourself into thinking you're "taking care of it" by using yet another loan to consolidate your debts.  The country itself is in the hole $12 TRILLION, so you're never getting out of debt.  Forget about it. (http://www.brillig.com/debt_clock/)

Without going into detail, here's a few more things you will not be doing this year: spending more time with family, getting organized, changing your drinking habits, learning a new hobby, enjoying life more, or finishing or starting anything you think will make you feel better about yourself.

Here's to a great TWENTY TEN!!!

from Austin Keenan presents: "No, you're not."