You will not be playing bingo tonight.

Your regular bartender is sick, and you do not know this man standing at the empty bar. You do not have any money, so you will not be drinking either.

Even if you were playing bingo, you definitely would not win. Typically you get four spaces in a row and sttare hopelessly at your card while every other number besides the one you need gets called. Then somebody else wins. Why even bother?

Come to think of it, why the hell are you out at this dive bar trying to play bingo in the first place? What are you? 80 years old? You can save me the story of how you like watching people rot and die before your very eyes and you're just trying to relax on Monday night. If you're determined to stick with that pathetic story I will simply reply, "No, you're not."

Things you are not: playing bingo, having a drink, relaxing on Monday night, 80 years old

from Austin Keenan presents: "No, you're not."